How To Become President


If you want to become President of the United States, apparently it’s a good idea to be an old white man who spends inordinate amounts of time rambling about pretty much nothing. Here's an excellent speech that should boost your odds of winning an election:

“America is a great country. There are a lot of things that make America a great country. For instance, all of the hard working folks. There are all sorts of hard workers in America. You have employees. And you have people running businesses. There are small businesses like the local shoe repair place. And there are big businesses like McDonald’s. You know, I went to a McDonald’s drive-thru the other day. And I ordered some McNuggets. Those things, they are very tasty--aren’t they? They smell great, and they taste even better than they smell. I usually go for the twelve piece order. That’s the one where they give you twelve McNuggets. But if I’m on a diet and I’m trying to lose a little weight, what I do is, I go for the six piece order. That’s the one where they give you six McNuggets. Not twelve, which is the McNugget  quantity you get with the twelve piece order. Whichever quantity I get, I eat McNuggets with barbecue sauce-- and whatever barbecue sauce I have left over, I take that home, because I like to pour the sauce on corn. Corn  grown in Iowa. Iowa is a fantastic American state. You got plenty of hard working corn farmers there. Farming for corn is not an easy job. You have to till the soil, plant the corn, maybe put some water on it, and harvest the corn, because you can’t farm without harvesting, harvesting goes hand in hand with farming. You put the harvested corn in a truck and ship it somewhere else. Iowa grows plenty of excellent corn. It can be eaten in any state. Iowa. North Dakota. South Dakota. Wyoming. New York. All of those states are excellent states. They are among my top 100 favorite American states. I really respect those states and the people in them. All kinds of people. I love all kinds of people in all kinds of states. Including Puerto Ricans in New York state. By the way--have you noticed how Puerto Ricans are like African Americans, except they salsa dance for three hours a day?”

These days, old, white, male presidential candidates actually ramble like that, the general public listens to a 100 hours worth of that semi-mindless rambling, and then somehow or another, a countless number of people think, “Hm. Yes. I’m going to vote for this person. After all—corn is in fact grown in Iowa.” Is that what they think? I really don’t know. I can’t say I have a particularly thorough  grasp of voter psychology. I’m only an expert on the part about being a rambling old white man and attracting 60+ million votes.

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